How does it feel?

I'll tell you.

Shock.....
When it goes through your system it can be hot and cold at the same time.
Like the inside of you is chilled to the bone and the outside is sweating to get out.

You can feel the outline of every nerve in your neck, lungs and stomach
without the ability to control the intensity.

You feel like you are on the precipice of insanity, flying, falling, panic and liberation all at the same time.

Each direction you look is beyond decision, beyond understanding, beyond  knowing
and beyond choosing.

The tears flow in an inconsistent wave of anger, misunderstanding, desperation,
frailty, pain and confusion.
The memory unlocks.
It tries to repeat itself....so it can stay.
Don't let it.

You desperately need to reach out but are locked in the inability to do so.
The experience is beyond words.
The brain tries to understand what is happening to the soul and body.
The body tries to understand what is happening to the soul and the mind.
The soul tries to listen for G-d to speak in metaphors of wisdom and clues.
Giving direction.
And silence is the only sound.
Silence.
Silence of the experience.
Silence, trying to recall the memory that is buried deep in the unconscious.
Buried so deep.
Yet, surfacing to speak.
Rising to be released.
Without grace.
And why is there no grace in the release? Why is the release so violent?
So dramatic?
Why can't the human psyche bear to see and accept, bear to surface and release,
bear to beg for mercy, bear to thank for grace?
Bear to merge with infinity?

We are separate, from the moment we emerge.
Always trying to return to that feeling of wholeness within the connection.
From which we are ripped apart as we travel through the valley.
The Valley of the Shadow of Death.
The Valley that brings us to Life.

Every muscle, nerve and sinew knows.
Every atom, electron and proton knows.
Every particle and fiber of our being knows.
Why then, it is so hard for us to know, to understand and accept, what we have experienced?
What we endured?

Shock is our bodies way of accepting more than we can process at the time.
What we have experienced, what we have learned and what we are allowing to bid farewell.
It holds itself within.
Until the time we invite it to depart.

Or stay buried until a memory or sound unlocks its ravages.
Some leave with kindness.
The one I describe today must have really enjoyed the home I shared within every particle of myself.

I cannot thank you because you caused me discomfort, struggle and pain.
You arrived by mistake.
You leave by my strength.
Light cannot exist where darkness hides.

How do I feel?
Ask me when I get to the other side.
For today, I am only the vessel of the experience.