My dearest friend went postal on me for 4 hours straight. During which she spoke of how ugly I am. In addition she included that I should be called Pride not Bracha. Watch for yourself, no compassion, talk too much, say stupid things, I'm lower than a gentile, I have no passion.
I went out to visit her in an attempt to rest and recuperate. She of all people should understand. I need the middle path.
I feel as if she tried to control what I thought, said, did, how I did it, condemned for doing it differently,
And the rage and verbal abuse made Alan LIDJI look like mr Rogers.
So I ask myself, if everything is from G-D, so to this. So I must need this Tikkun for some rectification.
But when I arrived to visit I was as I usually always am, happy, peaceful,content to stay quiet and simple.
But she challenged me from the minute I stepped foot in Breckenridge. She does not see it that way.
She sees that when I arrived, Inbegan asking questions and telling her what she could and couldn't do.
I do not want tovs I this position.
I also hurt because I don't understand why G-D decided to let me have it from every angle.
Why do I deserve to be lied to?
Why do I deserve to be unloved by a man who says he loves me?
Why do I deserve to retested so poorly by my husband, sisters, friends, especially when I just went through
severe medical procedure where I was forced to draw on bravery, purity, prayer, friendship, care taking, etc.
I don't want to loose my best friend, either Steve or Rabdy, but I anagrams in holding out for Steve, he will turn on me as Randy did, as my sister did, as my mother did all those years.
If I am as dear to G-D as I try to be, and if everything is from HaShem, the all this is brought intone to see how I will adapt.
Why isn't being good, good enough?
In the middle of helping my mom get a CT SCAN I am making airline tickets to meet her this week to get the car.
Now it seems like that has been cancelled.
So when I try to ask her how am I too "Proud" rather than instruct me, she starts yelling at me.
I get off the phone.
Then the text messages arrive.
"I cant do Wednesday. You will have to make your own arrangements. You obviously are in the hate mode and im not going there with you
Your nastiness towards me is sinnful. PLEASE DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT NOW BECAUSE IF U DONT, im out!
I'll send you your title and you can title in Dallas. Jeez you sure know how to BLAST someone out of the water!
Ill be glad to house it for a short period of time which i think is admirable considering how you treat me. I could say, GET IT HECK OUT OF MY GARAGE TOMORROW!
You can call me MEAN VICIOUS AND OTHER ADJECTIVES YOU HAVE SO SWEETLY ENDEARED ME WITH BUT ALL IVE TRIED TO DO IS ENHANCE YOUR LIFE BUT ILL BE DARNED IF IM GOING TO SPEND ONE MORE DAY OF MY LIFE TRYING TO MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER IF YOUR MOUTH CONTINUES."
But it is her mouth, not mine that continues.
What in the world am I supposed to do.
She is a sleeping tiger. Sweet beyond words. Then, cruel and abusive.
I don't understand why she chose Pesach week to tell me that her friends all told her that I was bad for her. I was just going to use her. You see, G-D,this I cannot handle. If it's not sibling drama, it's my husband turning on me drama, if it's not that it's mother drama.
When and how can I get myself out of this mess.
If I refuse the car, I look like a selfish
spoiled brat. If I get the car I look like a greedy brat. If I say nothing, I get called names. If I try to speak honestly, I get blamed for being hateful.
I have paid my husband back for all the yelling I did. He treated me selflessly, but in effect he also didn't. For all the while, I was simply carrying his pain that he selflessly served.
I treated him with love for that is all I ever had for him.
How can I have love for anything or anyone when it is so inconsistent that I don't know from one day to the next if it is real.
How will I earn a living?
How will I leave Dallas and live?
How can I live here and not have any spiritual support?
How can I live there and have spiritual judgement?
If I die, what then? I have nothing prepared for me to be able to leave my estate to another.
I have given so much love this year.
Where is the return on my investment?
No comments:
Post a Comment