The Reply

The explosive torrent of resistance to the thing that just happened in front of my very eyes that couldn't have actually happened, could it? That isn't what I saw, is it?

The over whelming undercurrent facade of self protection taking over implicitly so you can survive the next ten minutes long enough to catch your breath and maybe be able to think after that - long enough - to make the next move or return a phone call or make a decision.

Your vision is blurry and the world is moving past you like a bullet train and you can not find your ground. If I could only plug in long enough to find my coordinates, I could make it to the next step.

And you can not breathe or find discernment.

You are un-find-able. There are no GPS coordinates that give you a sense of where you are or where you belong or who will meet you, because without coordinates nobody else knows where to find you either.

And suddenly the silence is deafening. You are alone and there is nothing from the past that gives you an anchor or a handle to hold on to until your vision improves and you can breath again.

You are completely alone, ill-equipped and fundamentally terrified that this is the way it is going to be.

Of course it isn't but it feels real - like a destiny that you agree to sometime but don't remember and is somehow irreversible. Adn you know you simply must accept that.

The gift.

When I get dressed each day.
I realize, as I pull the camisole over my head,
pushing one arm at a time through each hole,
stretching the tight fabric around my head, over my breast and down my abdomen,
how very lucky and fortunate I really am.
To be able to dress myself.
All by myself.
For I have use of both my arms.
Thank G-d!

How does it feel?

I'll tell you.

Shock.....
When it goes through your system it can be hot and cold at the same time.
Like the inside of you is chilled to the bone and the outside is sweating to get out.

You can feel the outline of every nerve in your neck, lungs and stomach
without the ability to control the intensity.

You feel like you are on the precipice of insanity, flying, falling, panic and liberation all at the same time.

Each direction you look is beyond decision, beyond understanding, beyond  knowing
and beyond choosing.

The tears flow in an inconsistent wave of anger, misunderstanding, desperation,
frailty, pain and confusion.
The memory unlocks.
It tries to repeat itself....so it can stay.
Don't let it.

You desperately need to reach out but are locked in the inability to do so.
The experience is beyond words.
The brain tries to understand what is happening to the soul and body.
The body tries to understand what is happening to the soul and the mind.
The soul tries to listen for G-d to speak in metaphors of wisdom and clues.
Giving direction.
And silence is the only sound.
Silence.
Silence of the experience.
Silence, trying to recall the memory that is buried deep in the unconscious.
Buried so deep.
Yet, surfacing to speak.
Rising to be released.
Without grace.
And why is there no grace in the release? Why is the release so violent?
So dramatic?
Why can't the human psyche bear to see and accept, bear to surface and release,
bear to beg for mercy, bear to thank for grace?
Bear to merge with infinity?

We are separate, from the moment we emerge.
Always trying to return to that feeling of wholeness within the connection.
From which we are ripped apart as we travel through the valley.
The Valley of the Shadow of Death.
The Valley that brings us to Life.

Every muscle, nerve and sinew knows.
Every atom, electron and proton knows.
Every particle and fiber of our being knows.
Why then, it is so hard for us to know, to understand and accept, what we have experienced?
What we endured?

Shock is our bodies way of accepting more than we can process at the time.
What we have experienced, what we have learned and what we are allowing to bid farewell.
It holds itself within.
Until the time we invite it to depart.

Or stay buried until a memory or sound unlocks its ravages.
Some leave with kindness.
The one I describe today must have really enjoyed the home I shared within every particle of myself.

I cannot thank you because you caused me discomfort, struggle and pain.
You arrived by mistake.
You leave by my strength.
Light cannot exist where darkness hides.

How do I feel?
Ask me when I get to the other side.
For today, I am only the vessel of the experience.

4 U

Do you have glass in your heart?

Glass cuts.
It is invisible.
It allows you to guard against everyone
    and everything from getting in.

See through it.

A glass window is perfect for a house.
Not for a heart.

In a heart,
Glass cuts and
You Bleed.

Take the glass out.
Remove it from your heart.
And replace the glass,
With trust.

Trust your actions.
Remain true to your self.
Trust in that and that alone.

Trust is....
A Crown of Honor....

4 U 2 wear.
Not
4 U 2 tear anyone or anything up any longer.

Now
And
Forever.........

What are you protecting in your heart?
Because whatever you are protecting, prevents you from moving forward.
From moving on......to the next place.
The next space.
Your Next.
My Next.

I get so disappointed in myself sometimes.
And in the limits of others.
It affects my ability to connect.
Which in turn limits building something real and eternal.

Glass is invisible,
It protects me.
Glass is my safety net.

When I am disappointed in others, glass protects me.
And keeps me from being cut to pieces, bleeding to death.


But it also prevents me from ever getting too close,
from seeing eye to eye.

So how do I protect and prevent myself against this
inevitability while remaining vulnerable to life and love?

How do I protect against being disappointed,
In the limits and failure of others?

How do I allow myself to be vulnerable and remain wise at the same time?

Reframe it.

Instead of looking through the glass.
Look within yourself.

What limits me/you from feeling safe and trusting.
Is the same thing that limits others from getting too close.
And the only real trust there is, is the trust that you have in yourself.
The trust to make the right choices.
To remain true to yourself.

At all costs.
In all choices.
All the time.

-The End-

G-d is Everything.

G-d is my strength and my Hope.
My teacher adn my student
My love and my light.
My kindness and my mercy.
My light and my darkness.
My kindness and severity.
Ny yin and my yang.
My floor and my roof.
My front and my back.
My right and my left.
My friend and my foe.
My giving and receiving.
My excess and lack.
My lesson and teaching.
There is nothing that is not G-d in me.
My husband and my father.
My sister and my mother.
My aunt and my uncle.
My family and stranger.
All that I am comes from G-d.
Always and forever.
For this is all we can depend.
And our mission is remaining aware of that in everything we
think, say and do.
In Chochma, Binah and Daat.
Until Moshiach is revealed and we are
reunited in the World To Come.
Which no one knows when that will be.
It depends on the actions of Man.

Crossroads

I am at the crossroad between happy and sad.
Progress and Antiquity.
Success and Failure.
Believing and Forgetting
Achieving or Not.


I know in my heart that what I want is on its way to me.
I seem to confuse manifestation with other thoughts.
Thoughts of how much, when, how and such nonsense.

I know those don't matter.
All that mattrs is getting that vision of accomplishment in my sweet spot
and having a burning desire for its achievement.
Taste it.
It is here.
Already.

Ok. it'no different than the game I play for finding a penny or
always landing the perfect parking place.

This vision is wider....but no different.
My vision is not perfectly clear, yet.

But I know how I want to feel when I have it.
Excited. Grateful, In Love, Successfully Financed, Healthy, Lovely, Connected,Balanced, Fulfilled
With Enormous Cash Flow and able to live a Life Fulfilled as
Mother, Wife, Grandparent, Mashpia, Mentor, Friend, Daughter, Sister.
In place for the time being. With the One I love, but not Alone.

With family, friends, in sand and snow,
in city and country,
in health and blessings,
from this day forth.
Thank you, HaShem.

Help me get it lined up so that I may be blessed to make it happen ASAP.

A Kiss

What is:
Quieter than solitude?
Softer than silk?
Sweeter than honey?
Funnier than laughter?
Wetter than water?
Simpler than 1, 2, 3?