Ouch!

I am feeling so awful.

My dearest friend went postal on me for 4 hours straight. During which she spoke of how ugly I am. In addition she included that I should be called Pride not Bracha.  Watch for yourself, no compassion, talk too much, say stupid things, I'm lower than a gentile, I have no passion.

I went out to visit her in an attempt to rest and recuperate. She of all people should understand. I need the middle path.

I feel as if she tried to control what I thought, said, did, how I did it, condemned for doing it differently,

And the rage and verbal abuse made Alan LIDJI look like mr Rogers.

So I ask myself, if everything is from G-D, so to this. So I must need this Tikkun for some rectification.

But when I arrived to visit I was as I usually always am, happy, peaceful,content to stay quiet and simple.

But she challenged me from the minute I stepped foot in Breckenridge. She does not see it that way.

She sees that when I arrived, Inbegan asking questions and telling her what she could and couldn't do.

I do not want tovs I this position.

I also hurt because I don't understand why G-D decided to let me have it from every angle.

Why do I deserve to be lied to?

Why do I deserve to be unloved by a man who says he loves me?

Why do I deserve to retested so poorly by my husband, sisters, friends, especially when I just went through 

severe medical procedure where I was forced to draw on bravery, purity, prayer, friendship, care taking, etc.

I don't want to loose my best friend, either Steve or Rabdy, but I anagrams in holding out for Steve, he will turn on me as Randy did, as my sister did, as my mother did all those years.

If I am as dear to G-D as I try to be, and if everything is from HaShem, the all this is brought intone to see how I will adapt.

Why isn't being good, good enough?

In the middle of helping my mom get a CT SCAN I am making airline tickets to meet her this week to get the car.

Now it seems like that has been cancelled. 

So when I try to ask her how am I too "Proud" rather than instruct me, she starts yelling at me. 

I get off the phone.

Then the text messages arrive.

"I cant do Wednesday.  You will have to make your own arrangements.  You obviously are in the hate mode and im not going there with you

Your nastiness towards me is sinnful.  PLEASE DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT NOW BECAUSE IF U DONT, im out!

I'll send you your title and you can title in Dallas.   Jeez you sure know how to BLAST someone out of the water! 

Ill be glad to house it for a short period of time which i think is admirable considering how you treat me.  I could say, GET IT HECK OUT OF MY GARAGE TOMORROW!

You can call me MEAN VICIOUS AND OTHER ADJECTIVES YOU HAVE SO SWEETLY ENDEARED ME WITH BUT ALL IVE TRIED TO DO IS ENHANCE YOUR LIFE BUT ILL BE DARNED IF IM GOING TO SPEND ONE MORE DAY OF MY LIFE TRYING TO MAKE YOUR LIFE BETTER IF YOUR MOUTH CONTINUES."

But it is her mouth, not mine that continues.

What in the world am I supposed to do.

She is a sleeping tiger. Sweet beyond words. Then, cruel and abusive.

I don't understand why she chose Pesach week to tell me that her friends all told her that I was bad for her. I was just going to use her. You see, G-D,this I cannot handle. If it's not sibling drama, it's my husband turning on me drama, if it's not that it's mother drama.

When and how can I get myself out of this mess.

If I refuse the car, I look like a selfish

spoiled brat. If I get the car I look like a greedy brat. If I say nothing, I get called names. If I try to speak honestly, I get blamed for being hateful.

I have paid my husband back for all the yelling I did. He treated me selflessly, but in effect he also didn't. For all the while, I was simply carrying his pain that he selflessly served.

I treated him with love for that is all I ever had for him.

How can I have love for anything or anyone when it is so inconsistent that I don't know from one day to the next if it is real.

How will I earn a living?

How will I leave Dallas and live?

How can I live here and not have any spiritual support?

How can I live there and have spiritual judgement?

If I die, what then? I have nothing prepared for me to be able to leave my estate to another.

I have given so much love this year.

Where is the return on my investment?

Two heads

Friends are our Family by choice

Friends are our family-by-choice.

I am thankful, for each one is a world to me. This past year I especially thank Ms. Priddy who helped me connect my childhood me to my adult me with laughter and generosity beyond measure. 

Or, Babs, my raising our kids together days who, despite a full plate of her own , was there to encourage me through my challenge. 

Or Joan, Wanda, Ella or MB in Florida who saw me at my worse and made the deepest friendship endure.

Or, my Pittsburgh Posse whom I love and hold dear (yes Dee you're in that group).

Whether old friends or new, good times or not, Bakersfield to Boston, 

a lifetime or a moment in time, if not for friends, life would be a blank slate. Thank you to each and every friend. I am a better I because you touched my life with you.

#100 Thanks!

Full Moon

    What can we learn from the cycle of the moon, how she ever waxes and wanes 
        and waxes again?
    That a time of smallness is a time to become great;
    And a time of greatness is a time to become small.
    For in smallness lies the power to receive
    and in receiving lies the power to become great.
    And greatness endures only through its power to be small.

The long straight road

It's a straight path on a long road to your destination. Get started today.

7 Questions You Should Ask Yourself Each Day

7 Questions You Should Ask Yourself    

             Each Day

By: The Huffington Post 

1.  What did I learn today?

2.  How do I feel? 

3.  How did I make others feel?

4.  What can I do better tomorrow? 

5.  What am I grateful for?

6.  How much stress I experience? 

7.  What made me smile?

New love

                                    BH'

To love like G-d

To serve like G-d.

And remain human.

               

Dear Rebbe,

My letter to G-d through mankind.

My husband fell in love this past weekend, granted 

it's with my 5year-old twin nephew and their older 10 year-old brother.

We love each other deeply.

Now, my dear friend has moved.

Where does that leave me?

Alone and in between.

I certainly do not like the way she talks  to me. She is tough. But that is what a real friend is. 

It matters not that I have been devoted to her in her time of need. That's what a friend is.

Dear G-d,

Help and answer me on this today today.

Help me understand what is really going on with the peculiar behavior in families. Please see that our troubles reflect a disconnect somewhere.

Bills to pay, places to move, possessions to give away, supplies needed for other projects.

Where to live? Near whom?

My son could use the family in Pittsburgh nearby, my mom could use me in Dallas, my nephews in Sonoma would love us being closer. 

What about me. 

Why is my husband so randomly happy around me?

When he's near his friends, he can access happiness?

Oddly, I hope when he came to the same place he would choose differently.

Sara Yocheved Ringler said my husband could easily be a gilgul from a past life. What does that mean? Simply put a past life experience brought forward for me to heal and release.  and I had to stay with him now to work through what our experience in a past life was. 

He was a Jewish woman in the concentration camps. I was a German officer. Makes sense?

But G-d what exactly is my job here? 

I have been praying over this for years. I am at my wits end, I do not know what to do, say, where to stay or be with be of these other concerns.

I realize I am asking a lot to write this. Yes , I am.

Now what? When ? Who? How? Why? Where?

I must have some message upon my heart to know that 

G- d hears my concern.

Swift I must be.

I am Nanny, that is me.

He called me Nanny.

Please,  help me. Quickly can it be?

Please!!!

With Eternal gratitude,

Brocha Bat Devorah Rita

June 8,  2015

Wednesday